I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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