If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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