She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
