Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
