his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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