watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
