just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
