Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
