I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
this just has baby written all over it
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
