dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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