I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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