Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
