Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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