There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
