how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
