SEEEEXXX PLEASE
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
