How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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