apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
