he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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