I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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