the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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