I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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