I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
