I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
