You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
