I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
