Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
farters have to be the big spoon...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
