So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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