Swine flu. Run for my life!
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
