I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
