She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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