Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
this boner is exhausting
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
