i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just had sex on a roof
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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