this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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