I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
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I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
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Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Let's get the cat blown out
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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