best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
