Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
