you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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