I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
