i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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