We're facebook friends in real life
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
