Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
