Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
