I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
