oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
