Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
