I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I wannas sexs uuuuu
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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