my mouth tastes like poor choices
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.