I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
