I'm so fucking centered right now
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
