half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
