All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
