so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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