if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I supernannyed him into submission
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
