i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
