i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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