I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
