At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
