duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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