If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
