i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
