Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
