the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
